Have yourself a merry little Christmas
It may be your last
Next year we may all be living in the past
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Pop that champagne cork
Next year we may all be living in New York
No good times like the olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were dear to us
Will be near to us no more
But at least we all will be together
If the Lord allows
From now on, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now
‘Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas’ Original Lyrics – Judy Garland
*~* Edward *~*
Walking out from my bathroom after being awoken by yet another fucking nightmare causing me to relive the most horrific night of my life, I noticed that it was still dark outside my window. Perfect, huh?
Waking up in Forks, in the middle of winter, in the dark. Just great.
I made my way across my bedroom and grabbed the shaded blue throw that my mother had given me a few weeks ago when the temperature really started to drop that was on the edge of my bed, wrapping it around myself as I grabbed a cigarette and my lighter and shoved on my slippers, walking out onto my balcony. I shivered as the cold hit me full force, knowing full well that I should have at least put on my extra thick mahoosive fucker of a jumper, but lit my cigarette and clutched the throw tighter around me as I stood there, wanting the sun to come up, so I could start this shitty day. Unfortunately, I didn’t think that it was coming up any time soon. Thinking about it, it didn’t really matter if the sun was in the sky or not. The shit still came at me from all sides.
Looking around, I noticed that it must have rained during the night because most of the snow that had been on the ground the previous day had turned to sludge, which would no doubt turn to ice before the sun came up, knowing the cold weather of Forks.
Flicking my depleted cigarette over the balcony ledge I made my way back inside, silently thanking my mother for turning up the heat as I closed the door that led outside. I looked over at the clock that stood on my bedside table, the numbers glaring red at me in the dark of my room. 2:36AM. Great.
Christmas Day.
Perfect.
I flopped down on my bed, face down, burying my face in my pillow. I wanted to avoid this day. This was the one day I didn’t want to have to live through. Thanksgiving had been hard enough and the memory of my fathers’ hand making contact with my face was not something I relished reliving, but I couldn’t help it. Every time I saw him, the sound and feel of the back of his hand striking my cheek resounded in my head, blocking out anything he wanted to say to me. It wouldn’t change anything, anyway.
I must have fallen asleep again because the next thing I knew, there was a gentle hand on my shoulder and a soft voice calling my name. I knew that it was my mother because she was the only one who came up here anymore. The only one who bothered.
“Edward, honey?” She called softly and I turned over to look at her, seeing the same sadness in her eyes that I always saw. It seemed to strike me more today, as if it was more concentrated than on any other day. Maybe it was because it was Christmas, as opposed to any other day. That wouldn’t have any kind of effect on how my mother viewed me, would it? “Lunch is going to be ready soon.” Lunch? What time is it? As if sensing my internal question, my mom answered for me. “It’s nearly half past eleven. You slept pretty hard last night. I came up to wake you earlier, but I didn’t get anything, so I just left you. You were so peaceful. That was a couple of hours ago. The Swans and Hales are here, so when you’re ready, just come on down.”
With that she left, shutting my door closed gently behind her. Great. The Swans and Hales were here. There wasn’t really a surprise with that piece of news. They came over every year for Christmas lunch and the opening of presents. None of us had ever thought to ask why we didn’t do a rotation thing, so it was never discussed. But there was a major difference this year.
This year, I was spending the day with people who hated me.
I knew that after hiding out up here on Thanksgiving, I didn’t have a choice but to go down today. Whether I made it through the day was another question altogether.
Rolling out of bed, I made my way over to my bathroom and had a quick shower, wanting to try to relieve some of the tension that had built up over Esme’s words. I let the hot water pound down on my back, feeling my muscles relax as the heat eased their way through the tissue and flesh of my shoulders and back.
Stepping out of the shower, I wrapped a towel around myself, and tucked it in, making sure that it wouldn’t fall down as I brushed my teeth, rinsing out my mouth with mouthwash before walking out into my bedroom.
I pulled out a pair of boxer-briefs from my drawer and dropping my towel, I slid them on, walking into my closet and pulling out a pair of black dress pants and a black button down. Esme liked us all to dress smartly on Christmas day, and I didn’t want to upset her when she was probably already stressed enough as it was.
Slipping on some of my smarter shoes, I made my way downstairs, trying to ignore the feeling of dread building up in my stomach.
“Edward, there you are.” I heard my mother before I could focus on her. She was standing at the bottom of the stairs, her apron on and the usual look of stress on her face that she wore before Christmas lunch was served. Normal Christmas day, really.
“You need any help?” I asked, knowing that she would say no, as she always did.
“No, thank you honey. Why don’t you go and join the rest of the kids in the living room.” She gestured towards the room as though I didn’t know where it was and gave my shoulder a little push.
Great. Spend the time waiting with the group of people who wanted nothing more than to rip me to shreds.
The conversation stopped as I walked into the room, just as I knew that it would. It always did. It was as though they didn’t want me hearing anything they had to say at all. Way to make a guy feel like a leper.
Rosalie and Emmett sat tangled in one another on one of the sofas, her head resting on his shoulder as he played with her hair. They looked every inch the couple in love.
Rosalie had gotten over her traumatic experience extremely well. Much better than I had mine. But then again, she had a support system I did not. It might have been of my own making, but it still hurt knowing that the pain I had gone through matched Rosalie’s and even outweighed it and yet I had no one.
Alice and Jasper were sat in much the same way as Rosalie and Emmett were. Again, they knew that it was forever between the two of them. I didn’t think I’d ever find that.
Alice and Jasper were still pissed at me for whatever reason. Maybe it was because I’d lashed out at Jasper when he tried cornering me a week or so ago. He tried to guilt trip me into stopping being an ass, using how I was hurting Alice as ammunition. It didn’t work ergo he was now shooting me dirty looks every so often.
Bella was sitting on the end of the couch that held Alice and Jasper, sitting with them, but not as it were. She didn’t look uncomfortable sitting in here with two couples, but from what I could gather from the furtive looks she was throwing my way, she was uncomfortable sitting in here with two couples and me.
Sighing gently, I stood up and walked out of the room quickly, but not fast enough to miss Rosalie’s comment of ‘I thought he’d never leave’.
It was words like that that cut through me, hurting me once more.
I made my way into my music room, where my piano sat. I hadn’t played it since before the attack, the broken bones in my right hand not allowing me to do so for six to eight weeks while they reset. I had attempted to play when I had been alone in the house, but the tension that would build up in my hand became unbearable after only a few minutes and I had to stop. There was one time that I had managed to keep playing, but after that, I had given up.
I flicked on the light in here and made my way across the room to my beloved instrument. I sat down at my piano, lifting the lid and gently running my fingers over the keys, wishing that I could bend the notes to my will as I had been able to do only six months ago. But it was not to be. I had no doubt that I wouldn’t be playing a piano again in my lifetime.
“Edward?” My mom’s voice called from the doorway, and I turned to look at her. She had a small smile on her face as she stepped into the room. “Are you going to play something?”
I looked back at the keys of the instrument before sighing and gently replacing the lid. “No.” I said softly and I could feel her disappointment emanating from her from across the room. I’d upset her again. It seemed that that was all I could do these days.
I stood up and she smiled at me, her gaze flicking from me to the piano and I knew that she would love to hear me play it again. Of everyone I knew, Esme was the one who encouraged me the most with my playing and she was so proud of me for reaching the level that I had. And now, in her mind I had just given it up. What she didn’t know was that I couldn’t physically play anymore. It hurt too much.
“Lunch is ready.” She said softly, exiting the room, leaving the door open for me to follow.
When I reached the dining room, I saw that everyone other than my mother, father and I had taken their seats. I knew that Carlisle was sitting at the head of the table, across from Charlie Swan, which was the way it was every year. My mother would sit to the left of him so that meant that the seat left open in the middle of the table was for me. And someone up there must have hated me today because it meant that I was sat in between Bella and Rosalie.
I just hoped that I could make it through this lunch in one piece.
Bella offered me a small smile as I sat down and for the first time in a long time, I returned it, wanting to feel not so alone. Rosalie on the other hand glared at me as though it was my choice to sit next to her and as though she was being extremely put out at having my presence in the same room as her.
Lunch was awkward to say the least. I didn’t say anything to anyone other than requesting for someone to pass either the vegetables or some other food the entire meal. Not that anyone engaged me in any conversation. I thought that Bella might have looked like she wanted to ask me something but every time she did, Alice quickly drew her attention away from me.
Politely declining any dessert, I excused myself from the table, needing some fresh air and relief from the intense atmosphere at the table. I knew that it was caused by my presence and that it might have been better if I’d feigned illness or just disappeared for the day. Even though I would have received hell from my father, I knew that the day would have been more enjoyable for everyone else.
“Edward?” My dad appeared behind me as I sat on the back porch, trying to clear my head. “Are you okay, son?” He asked, stepping down onto the steps so he was standing in front of me. I nodded, not meeting his eye but I could tell that he didn’t believe me. “You’ve been acting strange all day, what’s the matter?”
“Other than being in a room full of people who hate me?” I shot back sarcastically and he sighed, running his hand through his hair as he straightened up.
“They don’t hate you, Edward.” He replied after a long pause and I couldn’t hold in the snort that escaped.
“You don’t know how they feel.” I shook my head, looking down at my hands. “They’ve made their feelings towards me pretty clear.”
“Maybe they’re feeling the same way about you.” He sat down next to me, resting his elbows on his knees and interlacing his fingers. “You’ve not been exactly civil to them either.”
“What?” I looked up at him. “They think they can be shitty to me and I’ll roll over and accept it. Not a chance. Doesn’t work like that.” I neglected to mention that it was actually me who started it and because I wasn’t sure what he knew of the situation, I kept quiet. It would only start off a round of questioning that I wasn’t ready for.
“Edward, watch your language.” His attempt at scolding me was only half-hearted as he appeared to search for the words he wanted to use. “Do you know why their behaviour changed?” I shook my head, though I knew exactly why. “Have you tried talking to them?”
“What’s the point?” I sighed, looking out over the garden. “They’ll say it’s my fault and it’ll end in an argument, just like everything else does these days. Face it, dad. My friendship with those guys is over.”
I stood up and made my way inside, not knowing if my father was following me.
“Ah, Edward. Carlisle.” My mother beamed at the two of us as my dad walked up behind me. “We’re doing presents.”
I followed her into the living room, sitting alone chair away from everyone else. This seemed to be my permanent place nowadays.
“Alright!” Alice squealed, sliding off of Jasper’s lap and onto the floor, obviously designating herself the hander out of presents. She waited for everyone to sit down before bouncing up and down on her knees and reaching for a present. “This one’s for . . . Esme! From Emmett.” She handed her the present before reaching for another, settling it in her lap and waiting for Esme to open hers.
Esme laughed as she opened the present dropping the wrapping on the floor and holding it up. It was a bright pink full sized apron with the words ‘World’s bestest Mom’ on the front in bold letters. I could tell that she loved it, even if it was ridiculous.
The handing out of presents continued in much the same way. Alice would hand someone their present, take another from under the tree and wait until the former present had been opened. That was the way it had always been in the Cullen home at Christmas.
As each gift was called out I couldn’t help but feel my heart sink a little. I know it’s going to sound petty and ridiculous but none of them were for me. Nobody had gotten me anything.
Not being able to sit around and watch everyone else fawning over their gifts, I quietly slid out of the room, making my way upstairs. I turned around about halfway up and as predicted, nobody noticed my departure.
Merry Christmas indeed.
Bella
To say that Christmas lunch hadn’t been awkward would be a lie. What with having Rosalie and Edward sat next to each other. Whoever had done the placing was trying out a recipe for disaster. Thankfully, nothing happened between them.
Edward had been quiet all day, probably not wanting to cause a scene between everybody, but I didn’t like it.
Christmas had always brought out the best in Edward. He was like a little kid from the moment he woke up to the moment Carlisle probably had to give him a shot to calm down in the evening after everyone had gone home. Actually, he probably collapsed each year, due to the amount of energy expelled over the course of the day. If you think Alice was bouncy, she had nothing on Edward on Christmas Day.
So this quiet, reserved Edward unnerved me. Sure, he didn’t want to cause a scene on Christmas, but some semblance of the old Edward must be in there somewhere. He had to be.
But he hadn’t made himself shown as of yet. And we were nearly done with the day.
“Bells!” Charlie called drawing my attention from Alice who was unwrapping a brand new fake fur coat form her mom and dad. It was one she’d been after for about a month now, but thought she’d never get. “You forgot this on your bed before we left.” He handed me a present and I instantly knew it was one of mine. I looked at the nametag and saw that it was for Edward, hoping to start off possible ‘peace talks’ that I hoped would occur either sometimes today or at least in the New Year. You know what they say. New Year: new start. Something like that anyway.
I looked over to where he was sitting and stopped, finding the chair empty. “Where’d he go?”
“Who?” Alice asked, wrapping the coat around her without actually sliding her arms through.
“Edward.” I looked around for him, peering into the kitchen to see if he’d just gotten up to get a drink or something, but couldn’t see him.
“It looks as though he’s taken his presents and gone.” Rosalie rolled her eyes at what she now deemed ‘typical Edward behaviour’. I didn’t think it was typical of him at all. “Leaving us to clear up the paper he’s left.”
I looked down by where he had been sitting and saw that there was no presents, no mess. No sign that anyone had been sitting there at all.
“There’s no mess there, Rose.” I told her and she shrugged, admiring the new professional manicure set that she had gotten from Jasper. “Wonder where he is.”
“Why?” Jasper scoffed, staring down at me. “He’s been a downer all day. You would have thought that Christmas would bring out the good side in him. You know, celebrations, and all that.”
“Not if you don’t have something to celebrate.” I muttered, underneath my breath so that no one could hear me.
“Right.” Carlisle stood up, taking Esme’s hand and gently pulling her up as the other parents did. “That looks about it for presents, so if you kids will excuse us, we parents are going to head to the den.” He smiled down at all of us and we nodded, used to this tradition. After presents were done, the parents always disappeared into the den and all we could hear was laughing and jokes happening.
I stood up, present for Edward in hand and made my way towards the stairs, ignoring the ‘what are you doing?’ and ‘where are you going?’ calls from everyone else. If no one else was, I was going to extend the olive branch to Edward. He might have been a dick to us, but we had been the same to him. Worse even, because there was no one on his side.
I knocked on the door, receiving a quiet, muffled ‘come in’. I opened the door and looked around quickly to see Edward curled up on his couch, wearing an oversized sweater I knew to belong to Emmett. At least it did at one time. He hadn’t complained about it missing, so I knew I wouldn’t bring it up.
“How come you’re hiding up here?” I asked quietly, closing the door with a soft click and making my way over to him. I sat down on the edge of his couch and looked at him. I mean, really looked at him, in a way I hadn’t in over six months.
He was still beautiful. As he always would be. But he looked different. His skin was paler than it had been before. He had been pale all of his life, but he’d always seemed to give off some kind of glow, his skin sometimes taking on an almost glistening characteristic in the light. Not now. It had been dulled, none of it retaining its former beauty. His eyes were slightly red and there were dark circles under his eyes. He hadn’t been sleeping properly, if at all and I couldn’t help but worry if he were okay. Even if he didn’t think so, I still classed him as my best friend. He knew me better than anyone else in the world did and even if we didn’t speak for ten years, he would still be my best friend.
“Here.” I held out my present and he turned his head to look at it slowly. “I got you something.”
His hand reached out slowly to take it, something glistening in his eyes. Maybe my proverbial olive branch was working.
“Thank you.” He whispered as he looked down at it, slowly unwrapping it. The breath that left him as he saw what it was shaky as though he wasn’t expecting me to remember him telling me about it. But then again, in light of recent events, I guess he would think that. “Thank you, Bella.”
“So,” I looked around his room, trying to discern anything new from what I knew was in here. “What else did you get?”
He shook his head, looking out the window as he had been when I walked in. “I didn’t.”
“What you mean, you didn’t?” Huh?
“I didn’t get anything else.” He whispered slowly, and I noticed his expression change slightly.
That’s why he disappeared before we’d finished handing out gifts. It had hurt watching everyone else opening presents when no one had gotten him anything.
He thought he’d been forgotten.
“Edward, I’m sorry.” I whispered and he shook his head.
“It’s my own fault.” He whispered, looking down at the gift I’d gotten him. “I haven’t been exactly pleasant to be around, so why should I expect anything?”
“Well . . . we haven’t been exactly welcoming so . . . we didn’t deserve gifts from you either. Which works out well, don’t you think?” I shrugged, trying to act nonchalant about not receiving anything from Edward.
I’ll tell you one thing: Edward Cullen is a genius when it comes to presents.
He always knows what to get someone. Even the hardest person in the world to buy for will receive the perfect present from Edward. I know this because that person is me.
“Why do say that?” He looked at me confused.
“We – well, they – didn’t get you anything, you didn’t get us anything.” I gestured randomly towards him and the door while I spoke, trying to take the stupidity out of my words.
He let out a single shaky chuckle. “I’m guessing you didn’t find the silver presents under the tree, then?”
“Silver presents?” We’d finished the presents that were under the tree. It was Alice handing them out, so what would you expect. That girls’ like a bloodhound when it comes to presents.
“There are some presents in a dull silver wrapping paper under the tree.” He looked at me, sadly. “They’re from me.”
He’d gotten us something each and we hadn’t thought to get him anything. No wonder he was feeling so alone at the moment.
“Merry Christmas, Edward.” I said softly as I stood up and walked out of his bedroom, hearing a quiet ‘Merry Christmas, Bella.’ as I walked out of the room.
Making my way downstairs, I walked slowly into the living room where the others were still sat, each of them admiring their different gifts.
“So, what happened to him?” Alice asked, a look of concern flashing across her face. Though he might have upset her greatly, he was still her twin, so she worried about him incessantly.
Instead of answering her, I made my way around the four of them, knowing they were all watching me, and knelt down behind the tree where I found, nestled comfortable in between the bristly branches of the evergreen plant, was a pile of presents wrapped in dull silver wrapping paper.
I pulled them out and showed them to the others. They all looked confused at how Alice had missed them. Hell, even Alice looked confused at how she had missed them. It wasn’t like they were all small or something.
Jasper got up off of the couch and headed towards the den, knocking on the door quietly. It was answered quickly and I heard him briefly explain that we’d found some more presents under the tree.
We waited for about a minute before the parents arrived looking confused at how the presents had been missed. Not like it had ever happened before. Alice usually combed the entire tree for presents, not allowing one to escape her.
“This one is for Alice.” I handed the small envelope to her and she took it as though it might explode as soon as she slid her finger underneath the lip.
“Oh my God!” She breathed as she took out what was inside. It looked like passes of some kind.
“Six weekend passes to the Ummelina Day Spa.” She breathed, looking around at us. Those must have cost him a fortune. “This is unbelievable.”
“Okay,” I managed to squeak out. “This one’s for Jasper.” I handed him the biggest one of the pile, wanting to get it out of the way because it was as large as it was.
He opened the wrapping, to reveal a large rectangular box. He threw the wrapping behind him and looked around the box, trying to figure out how to get into it.
“Jazz, there are clasps on this side.” I pointed to the side opposite him and he turned it around. I heard the sharp clicks as the unfastened the clasps and the intake of breath as he saw what was inside. “What is it?”
“It’s a Yamaha FG720S acoustic guitar.” He breathed as though we should all know what that means. “He remembered how much I wanted this guitar. He was the only one who knew I wanted it.” I could see that he was gently brushing his fingers over it, not daring to touch it, even from behind the lid of the case.
“Emmett?” I handed Emmett his gift from Edward and he took it, a look of wonder on his face.
“What the-?” He tilted his head as he opened his present, pulling out a hoodie, which he turned around. “I haven’t even got in.”
It was a Berkeley hoodie. Emmett had applied to Berkeley, but wasn’t holding out much hope of getting in. It was his first choice college, so he really wanted this. He hadn’t heard back yet, but as I said, he wasn’t holding out much hope.
“Maybe, that’s Edward’s way of telling you he believes you can do it.” Carlisle offered and Emmett looked back at the hoodie and smiled, nodding.
“Esme?” I handed Esme a small white envelope, similar to Alice’s and she flicked it open, pulling whatever was inside out, quickly.
“Oh, my!” She clutched whatever it was to her chest, sighing gently. “Tickets to the opera in Seattle next month.”
Esme had said once, about two months ago that she would love to see Madame Butterfly live rather than in a televised show. You could tell that she had said it in passing as she’d read about the performance coming to Seattle in late January. We knew it shouldn’t have been taken as a hint. None of us even knew that Edward was even in the room, or within hearing distance at the time, but he must have been to know Esme wanted to go.
All of the other presents from Edward were as special and individual to each person as the previous ones had been.
He had gotten Rose and enormous book about pinstriping – apparently that was the word they used for the individual designs on hotrod cars. He knew that she loved that kind of thing and she had grinned like she hadn’t before when she opened the book. I knew that that was her favourite present of the day because it was something she really enjoyed. Carlisle had received a replica of the St. Christopher’s medal his father used to own. It had gotten lost when his father passed away a few years previous and Carlisle hadn’t seen the medal since. I knew that that gift would have a special place in Carlisle’s heart as he slid it around his neck, letting it hang there with pride. He had gotten each of the parents a weekend getaway for whenever they could manage – his parents included.
“What did he get you, Bella?” Alice asked, and I looked down at the last small present in the pile, picking it up and unwrapping it slowly.
It was a CD.
But it looked like a blank CD. I opened up the case to find the words ‘Bella’s Lullaby’ written in Edward’s impeccable script. Could this be what I think it was?
I stood up and made my way over to the sound system, ejecting the annoying Christmas CD that had been on a loop all day, slotting it back in its case before inserting the disk Edward had given me. I pressed play and waited for a moment.
After a moment, the sweetest melody floated through the room. It was sad and yet there were twinges of joy in there at the same time. It tugged on my heart in ways that nothing had been able to before.
I turned to look at the rest of those gathered in the living room and saw that they had all been stunned into silence as the melody continued, gathering a slightly speed and intensity before trailing to a gentle, sweet, encapturing end.
“That was beautiful.” Esme sighed and the others nodded slowly. “Where is he?” Esme asked, noticing that her youngest son wasn’t in the room with them.
“He’s in his bedroom,” I sighed, taking the CD out of the sound system and placing it back into the case. It was most definitely my favourite present of the year. Of all the years, actually. The heart, time and effort that must have gone into it was incredible. “He left while everyone else was opening their presents.”
“Why?” Renee looked confused as to why he would leave then.
“Because it hurt to watch everyone else opening gifts while he was sat on the other side of the room, probably feeling alienated and alone while not having anything to open himself.” I explained, wanting to be right and wanting to be wrong at the same time.
“What are you talking about?” Rosalie looked as though she resented what I had said.
“Nobody got him anything.” I said quietly. “I don’t think that it was the physical presents that he wanted, really. I think it was just the thought of someone thinking about him at some point in the last couple of months. And the fact that he’d gone out and bought us all presents, and ones that he knew would mean a lot to us, it must have hurt realising that no one had thought of him in that way.”
The others looked down at the presents in their hands from Edward. Emmett slowly ran his finger over the lettering on the hoodie and Rose ran hers over the cover of the book he had given her. Nobody else had embraced her love of cars today, other than Edward and I knew that it meant a lot to her that he had.
I turned around slowly and made my way upstairs, knocking on Edward’s door quietly. There was no answer this time, so I carefully gripped the door handle and opened the door, peering inside. I hoped that he wouldn’t be mad at me for walking in without his say so, but I didn’t think I could wait out in the hallway for him. The CD he had given me touched my heart and I wanted to tell him that personally. Like I said, he was incredible when it came to gifts.
I looked around, seeing that he wasn’t anywhere in his room, as I fought back a shiver. It had dropped several degrees since I had come up a little while ago and I saw that the large glass doors he had were wide open. I made my way over to them, thinking that gone out for a cigarette on his balcony. I hated that he was a smoker now, something he had always professed he would never become, but I put up with it, because I knew that I could never get him to stop. He would do what he wanted to do.
But upon walking to the balcony, I saw that he wasn’t there. What on earth? Closing the doors, not wanting him to come back to an arctic bedroom, wherever he was, I checked the en suite and in his closet – though why he would be in there I had no idea – before going back downstairs, extremely confused.
“What did he say?” Alice asked, looking at me with a tearful expression on her face. She knew her brother was hurting, but she didn’t know what to do about it. In her eyes there was nothing she could do.
“He didn’t.” I shook my head, looking out of the large windows the Cullens had on the front of their home, trying to make sense of things.
“What do you mean?” Esme had stood up at this point, turning to face me completely while the others just looked on. “What do you mean ‘he didn’t’?”
“He didn’t say anything because he wasn’t up there.” I shrugged, shaking my head slightly.
“He hasn’t come down.” Emmett stood up, placing the hoodie on the seat behind him. “Where the hell has he gone?”
“Emmett, language.” Esme scolded him, or at least tried to. It didn’t really come out as it was meant to.
“Sorry.” He sighed, looking back at me. “Where’s he gone?”
“I don’t know.” I shook my head, looking out of the window again, hoping he wasn’t out there.
Where had he gone?
Edward
After Bella went back downstairs, I knew that if I stayed in the house, I was going to go stir crazy. I changed quickly, throwing on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, sweater, jacket, gloves and my doc martins, and made my way down the lattice that came down from my window. I didn’t care if anyone saw me out here, but I didn’t want to have to deal with the questions that would no doubt come my way if I went down the stairs. I needed some time on my own.
Hunching my shoulders against the cold and really wishing that I’d worn a scarf as well, I walked into the woods. Walking in the woods had always helped me to calm myself down and clear my head. Ever since we moved here, but I found myself spending more and more time surrounded by the thick greenness of the trees over the last six months or so.
It was the only place I could be without someone judging me or spending hateful words my way.
I don’t know why it tore me up so much that I hadn’t received any gifts, because the gifts weren’t the most important part of Christmas for me. It was the entirety of the holiday and the closeness families and friends feel on this particular day. For some reason, it had the ability to draw those who hated each other into a temporary truce, creating bonds that weren’t there before or reinforcing friendships and loves. Of course, there were fights and such over the holidays, people that aren’t sued to each other being in such close proximity for such a long period of time, there were bound to be upsets, but to me, none of that mattered.
I didn’t really care about the physical presents. I guess it was the idea that someone had taken the time out of their day to think about you, think about what you’d like, what you would want on this day. Taking those few minutes to try to decipher how you thought and to try and place it into a physical object.
I guess it hurt that no one had thought of me in that way.
I guess I really wasn’t worth anything anymore. I had lost my worth when those men had taken everything from me, had ripped away what innocence I had left in one of the most extreme acts of violence one can commit.
No. A small voice in the back of my head whispered softly. Not everyone had forgotten me.
Bella.
She had remembered me and she had gotten me something that she knew I would treasure always. I knew it was her reaching out to me, offering the olive branch of peace and new beginnings, sending out the message that she in herself was sorry and that she had forgiven me for all the wrongdoings I had committed towards her.
But could I accept that branch? Could I take it and try to mend the ruined friendships between my former friends and myself?
The more I thought about it, the more I knew I couldn’t. They would want me to tell them things that I couldn’t divulge. Not that they would believe me if I ever could tell them, but that’s the way things were.
I sat down on an old, fallen log, feeling the roughness of the wood beneath the material of my jeans. I closed my eyes, leaning back as far as I could without falling off the log, sifting through the memories my mind was bringing to me.
I don’t know how long I sat on the log, my mind leaving me reeling, sniffing and sobbing like a little girl as it dredged up old memories of my friends and I then comparing it to the behaviours we’d all been displaying over the last couple of months.
Opening my eyes I saw that the ground surrounding me had been covered in a light dusting of white, indicating that I had been out here for a while and I should be getting back home. But the snow looked so delicate and so pure that I didn’t want to disturb it, trudging my feet through it, destroying the blankets of white that filled each clearing with my footprints. It only proved what kind of person I was.
Looking up into the canopy of the trees above me, I could see that the snow was still falling all around me and would be covering every surface around with its beauty. I was marring it by sitting here. Nothing would ever be pure under my touch.
I closed my eyes again and lowered my head into my hands, realising something that I had known ever since that night in Port Angeles. Rubbing my eyes as the snow fell gently around me, I knew something that would change me forever:
I was completely alone.
10 Years Later
Staring out of my window at the busy Chicago street, I couldn't help my mind wandering back to that day in Forks. Where were the others now? Were they spending their Chirstmas day with their families, or all at my parents house as had been the tradition?
What was Bella doing?
Thinking of anyone from back there on this day, especially her, tore at my heart, the pain wanting to rip its way free and ruin everything I had worked for, sending me into a stupor, unable to breath or move. Even on the best of days, things were hard to handle, but during the holidays, seeing others around you, even just people in the street with their families, it pierced a new hole in my heart more painful than any needle that had passed through or punctured my skin.
I just hoped I wouldn't feel this way forever.
But me being the masochistic son of a bitch that I am couldn't help but let my mind wander back to Bella.
Did she ever think of me, even on this day? She - and later on, my parents - had been the only ones to give me anything on that last Christmas I spent in Forks. Somehow, I knew it would be my last one there. Don't ask me how, I just knew.
Without really realising it, I pulled out the charm that Bella had given me that day. It was a simple sideways eight, symbolising infinity. I remembered seeing it in a jewellry store I had been walking past in Port Angeles a couple of weeks before I was attacked. Well, I hadn't been back to Port Angeles since that day, but still. I remembered telling Bella about it. The fact that there were two, one obviously male, what with the thick chain and thickness of the charm, and one female, delicate and precise, obviously meant that they were for a couple. I remembered telling Bella how I wished that someday I would have someone to share that with.
She had remembered and gone back to the shop I had mentioned and bought them, giving the male one to me. But who had the female one?
Some part of me want to believe that Bella had it on her person, wearing something we shared all the time as I did. But lately, it was too much to hope. I didn't even know if I would ever see her again. And I wasn't sure how I felt about that.
Yes, I had made a life for myself in Chicago, over a thousand miles away from everyone I knew and loved, and had made friends, close friends here, nobody knew anything other than what I allowed them to see, the ink and steel I had on my body pushing outsiders away.
Nobody really knew me. Not like they had in Forks and even though I was surrounded by people who cared about me more than they would ever admit, because they would be seen as pussies if they did, I was still painfully aware of one thing:
I was completely alone.
